Being in the woods is part of the preparation!

Reflections on healthy drive and OVER-drive as I get ready to the the Great Northern Contemporary Craft Fair.

I have worked so hard recently. Well, I always work hard but I’ve worked harder than usual. Don’t get me wrong, I love working. I’m blessed with a lot of self motivation and the ability to stay focused and that feels like a gift that I need to honour. I used to feel ashamed of being so driven, like I should just chill the heck out, that productivity isn’t the way we should measure the worthiness of our lives, but I don’t see it quite that way any more. I see my drive as my innate creative energy finding its way into the world as it is meant to. It’s not particularly about being ‘productive’ for the sake of it. My work is a vehicle for my self expression and creativity and it gives me an opportunity to connect to other people when I share it too. All these things fill me up and give me my sense of purpose. Having a purpose feels good, so altogether I like work.

That being said, I am not immune to burn out! I’ve been there. I know how it feels. I was chatting the other day about the time, around13 years ago, when I was in the ENT department in the hospital having some tests after another horrible bout of labyrinthitis that had left me spinning out and had exhausted me for many weeks afterwards as I tried to find my balance again. The sage advice that the doctor gave me was this:

“Just don’t get stressed!”

“Oh ok then. No problem. It’s not like I have a busy life, kids, a mortgage, a business, a body, hormones. Ok, doctor, I promise to never get stressed!” It felt like a joke. I was laughing as I recounted this tale but on reflection I realised how that advice had actually served me. That period of burnout left me so depleted that I decided I didn’t want to ever go back there again. So, I looked for ways to manage my energy, I studied ayurveda, yoga nidra and meditation, I learned about the nervous system, about my nervous system and what it needs, I got help in the studio with my workload and I learned to tell the difference between my healthy drive and my OVERdrive. 

The reason I’ve been working extra hard lately is because I am getting ready to do the Great Northern Contemporary Craft Fair in Manchester. I haven’t done a big show like this since before covid and I’ve been buzzing on the ‘getting ready’ energy. I want to take plenty of stock with me so the laser cutter has been on every single hour of the working week, whirring away, using its fine precision laser beam of focus just as I have been on every single hour of the working week too, whirring away and using my precision laser beam of focus!

One of the signs of my over-drive is knowing on some level that I need to stop but pushing through anyway. It's not pausing between tasks. It’s not taking a breather or staring out of the window. It's walking the quick way to work rather than along the river path. It’s getting to work early and leaving late and not stepping outside all day.  It’s leaving the laser cutter on while I have my lunch even though a bit of quiet would be restorative. It’s being super efficient, seeing every single moment as an opportunity to prepare for the next. It’s a sneaky un-doing of all the little acts of self care that I have learned to put into place over the years. At first while my energy is intact it feels good and I get stuff done but it’s dangerous ground because I’m eating into my reserves, the reserves that keep me well and make me feel grounded and strong and joyful and calm. And somehow I don’t notice its happening!

Dean called into the studio on his way home from work one afternoon while I was in mid-flow and said, “You look exhausted” and he suggested I come home early for a rest. I felt like crying as he looked at me with his concerned face. I acknowledged that I did feel exhausted but I couldn't possibly stop. Didn’t he understand I had way too much to do?

The teary, hollow feeling I felt was my alarm bell and it woke me up. I switched off the machine (ahhhhh), I downed tools and I walked back home slowly through the woods. 

What a relief. To see the light through the leaves, to notice the autumn colours coming, to hear the sounds of the birds. Over and over and over again I realise how good this is for my whole body, mind and spirit and how it doesn’t take much to fill back up again.

So I decided to prioritise time outside each day in the run up to the event and it's been so wonderful. Autumn is the time that inspired all these laser cut treasures after all. I don't want to miss it.

I've have found treasures, 

I've bathed in dappled light,

I've celebrated the colours, 

I've found new places to sit and watch the birds,

I've walked with friends in the morning,

enjoyed the company of Moon dog,

and I found the biggest crop of amanitas that I have ever seen...

there were thirty-one altogether!

I've enjoyed the stormy days too, curled up cosy, reading and resting inwards.

And d'you know what? The work has still got done!

I realised that me being in good shape is part of the show preparation too! It’s no good having loads of stock if I’m too fatigued to engage with the people that visit my stand. I'm glad I caught my overdrive before it wiped me out completely and I'm glad that nature was there to slow me down, to help me soften my focus and to turn the volume down on work. Ayurveda teaches that anything can be a medicine or a poison depending on the dose. This was another lesson in what dose is right for me.

Even the laser cutter needs a rest at times; the lens needs wiping, the mirror needs cleaning, the filter needs changing and the motor needs to cool down.

After a bit of woodland restoration I have my focus back again and I am really looking forward to the show.

The Great Northern Contemporary Craft Fair starts on the evening of the16th and is open 17th, 18th and 19th October at Victoria Baths in Manchester. I'll be on stand C11 (with a stand full of stems and treasures). Until then you'll find me in the woods!